World’s Dumbest Diet Device

Goofy Weight Loss Gadgets

Have you ever thought of going to your dentist for diet advice? Now you can. Dentist are lining up to get in on the current wave of products suited to help people lose weight, and what better answer than the DDS System by Scientific Intake.

First, it’s not clear what “DDS System” actually means. I guess that’s not important. What is important, is you can only get this swell diet aid from your dentist! I can only imagine they’ve run out of things to do to teeth.

The DDS System device is nothing more than a $500 gadget you put in your mouth before you eat. That’s right, you put it in, and take it out. In other words, you completely control whether you use it at all, and its sole function? To make you take smaller bites. Ta da – that’s it.

How revolutionary! Take smaller bites! Why didn’t I think of that, but wait? Can’t I just do that all by myself? Do I really need to shell out $500 clams? What if I just bought a mouth guard like my son uses for football. That would do the trick too, or maybe a couple retainer rubber bands? Those seem to keep your mouth from opening all the way too.

I smell a big market for knockoff products. Next they’ll start selling doll-sized dinner plates and call them “The Doll Plate Diet.” I have actually seen a dinner plate that is painted with portions for your meat and potatoes, like that would work.

My husband thought putting rocks in your mouth would help, but I think that would make it tricky to swallow

— although maybe that was his point? One thing that I know works well is simply to have one side of your mouth out of commission like when you have a bad tooth – forget going to the dentist – now it’s a diet aid. You have to chew nice and slowly or suffer the consequences.
How about a mask – you put it on at 7:30 PM, and lock it shut. Then you can’t unlock it until 7:00 AM the next morning. No cheating allowed. I’ll bet you could nab one of those for $49.95 on eBay?

The slogan from the Scientific Intake website? “Eat Slower. Eat Less. It’s not only what you eat it’s how you eat.” Wow, mind bending. I’ll bet they stayed up all night to come up with that. As Dave Barry would say, “I am not making this up.”

They even have a testimonial from a happy weight loser Kelly, “I always knew that eating slower was supposed to be good for you, but I never understood why. But when I started using the DDS, I actually was able to enjoy my food. I ate what I wanted and I still was satisfied – but just ate less.”

Um, okay. And you couldn’t just take smaller bites all by yourself because … why?