How Do You See Yourself – Part 3
Making a Change when Others Don’t Want you To
In NLP there is a process called “Creating a Compelling Outcome.” Your outcome is what you really want, but knowing what you want is only a small part. Finding a way to achieve it, and whether it is even possible to ache comes first. When you decide to make a change consider everything that will be affected by your decision to change as well. This is how you can uncover hidden aspects that may have derailed your plans in the past, and make adjustments to take care of them before they become problems in the future. Your family members for instance. Who hasn’t tried to diet only to have their spouse surprise them an invitation to dinner at their favorite restaurant? Who hasn’t decided to stop eating snacks only to find their kids got bags of chips and dig for Friday night?
When you decide to make a change it’s as if the whole world suddenly conspires against you. If you really WANT to make a change, whether it be in your eating habits, exercise, work, play, or any habit at all, first stop and check whether this change will work for you and those around you.
1. Put yourself first. If you stopped to consider others before you took any action, you’d likely never do anything. No one wants anything to change in their lives. If you asked how they’d feel about your plans to make a change, they’d likely say, “No. I can’t go without pizza, I’ll starve.” Your husband may make a face when you mention eating less fatty foods and more vegetables. Your parents express surprise and alarm that you might do something unhealthy. “We’re only looking out for what’s best for you, honey” they’ll say while handing you a plate full of cookies. Sure they are.
By family dynamic I mean the world around you. Who you live with, who you work with, everyone you interact with is affected when you change. That’s why friends and family who at first are so helpful and supportive may start to snarl and growl when you ask, “What kind of food will be at the party?” Your change is forcing change in them as well.
Even when a bad marriage ends, it’s still difficult to say goodbye. Change interrupts our easy existence – it requires thought and effort. But look at the end result. A healthier body, a shapelier body. Less effort to walk the steps, more energy, enthusiasm and exuberance for everything you do. There are so many reasons to get started making a change, it’s just a small matter to deal with those around you.
2. Your Family Means You No Harm, Really. Understand, even though your family may fight your efforts to change, they do mean you well. They are just doing what comes naturally when the boats is rocked, i.e. they try to stabilize it. They try to get you to go “back to normal.” They want things to stay the same – after all, it’s working just fine, right? Even if there is trouble, it’s easier to stay the same.
3. Consider the Obstacles. Think through your plans to change and face obstacles head-on before they occur. For instance, you’ve decided you want to get up an hour earlier and exercise. This seems like a great idea, so now you imagine your usual morning routine and how it will change.
Example: You usually get up at 7:00 AM but not you’ve decided to get up at 6:00 AM. That means your alarm will go off earlier, interrupting the blissful sleep of your adoring partner. Are they happy about this? Probably not. No one likes their sleep interrupted, so what do you do? Do you just say, “Oh, okay, I won’t get up earlier after all. I don’t want to disturb you in your perfect life. I’ll just crawl back into my hole and wait until you die and then …” No, it’s not necessary to go quite that far. Instead think about what you want and why you want it.
You see them complaining, you see them making faces and acting disturbed, but you also see yourself quietly getting up and closing the door behind you. Then you see them slowly getting used to the new routine, complaining less and less. You may even see yourself being loving and supportive. (It could happen). Many couples have separate alarms – it’s not that big a deal. Don’t let your desire to keep your family happy take precedence over making changes that could greatly impact your happiness overall.
Now you’ve thought it through. You want to do this. You’ve pictured yourself scheduling it during the day, but you know it won’t happen. There is never enough time after work, or in the evenings with all the demands on your time and your responsibilities. You’ve determined that getting up an hour earlier is your best choice.
You are going to do this, and it will disturb others in your family. They will need to adjust, yes, but this is important to you, and letting others wants and desires come first isn’t going to solve the problem. It could be your partner will decide to get up with you – after all, who couldn’t use some daily exercise? Or, they will learn to sleep through your alarm, and set theirs for a bit later. It will work. If necessary go get yourself a separate alarm clock, and start using it. They’ll adjust. This is important to you, follow-through.
Make it work by working around others, but don’t let them dictate whether you have the right to make a change. You do have a right. We all have to make sacrifices whether we’re saving for a vacation or trying to get into shape to run a marathon. Show your family by example how to set a goal, then take the daily steps, and achieve it. Your kids will learn and grow from your example. You can also explain how an unhappy parent makes for an unhappy family – in other words, if mommy isn’t happy, the whole family suffers. Say it with a smile and they’ll get the idea.
Scenario #2: You’ve decided you’re going to go to the gym and work out right after work. Your spousal unit complains about this too (they’re the same one who complained about the getting up earlier idea, so you’re trying something else.) Notice how no matter what you want to do, they’re going to complain? Why is that? It’s because they’ve come to know and love their current routine and they don’t want it changed. Even if it means a happier spouse, even if it means a healthier life, they just plain do not want change. No one wants change thrust on them.
This is why it can be difficult, but it’s certainly not impossible to overcome the influence your family and friends will try to assert when you want to make a change. Change affects everyone – keep that in mind, and then make your change anyway.
Plan, Implement Your Plan, Adjust as Necessary, and Plan Again
It’s a process – a road map. It’s not etched in stone. You may make a plan (getting up earlier for instance), try it for a couple of weeks and decide it isn’t working for you. Fine. Change the plan. Maybe you could work out early on Saturday and Sunday, plus one more day during the week. A lot of people are able to go the gym or go for a walk on their lunch hour.
Use EFT For Challenges Outside Influences Throw At You.
“Even though my husband doesn’t want me to get up earlier, I deeply and completely accept myself and him anyway.”
“Even though I don’t want to upset my family, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
“Even though no one is supporting me in my efforts to eat better, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
“Even though it seems that no matter what I try, someone complains, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
Working through the emotional issues that crop up when you try to make a change and come up against challenges, is easy with EFT.
